I find myself going through an interesting process right now. Really looking hard at myself and what I want for my life. I know I am fortunate. I have an amazing life partner in my husband, two phenomenal children, a beautiful relationship with my parents and my in-laws, a circle of close friends and extended family – they may be small in number, but they are mighty – and I live in an amazing location. But, when I think of my passion, what I’m putting out in the world to make it a better place, to fulfill my heart and soul, I often find myself wanting.
This wanting has led me to an interesting exploration. A personal development haven of books, webinars, blogs and even an upcoming yoga retreat. I think I put this self-evaluation off for so long because 1) I was scared and 2) I was giving too much credence to that nasty word I’ve talked about in previous posts: should. I should be happy with what I have, I should just accept the way things and people are, I should be careful not to jeopardize our security, I should just make what I have better and carry on. Should. Should. Should, mixed with a healthy dose of fear.
What I realized recently is that the part I can improve is me. A better me will make all of these other seemingly external things that don’t make me happy either improve, evolve or fall by the wayside to make room for the thing I want. I can already feel it happening. It’s really powerful to see what changes start to take place, just emotionally, when I focus on the choices I am making and can make. The choices that I can control. Whether it’s to react, respond, interpret, risk, connect, and so on.
Maybe all of this perspective is also about growing up a bit. Standing on my own two feet and taking in only the things that help me and acknowledging, but letting go of the things that don’t. If someone thinks I’m not something, or that I’m something else and I don’t agree, I don’t have to own that as truth. It may not be my truth. And although there is validity to the idea that perception is reality, I can’t control someone else’s perception, I can only be me. I’ve been labeled as everything from a “pleaser” to a “inspirer” – and while there is truth to both, to a point, they are not labels that I created for myself.
My journey is leading down a path of self-evaluation and self-discovery. In some ways, it feels like a part of my growth that I skipped over as an ambitious young person hungry to succeed. I am not regretful of my path up to now. It actually feels good to go through this process with the life experience I’ve had behind me, guiding me, informing me. I hope that if you are going through a similar process you are feeling confident and positive in your journey. I am finding that by eradicating should from my vocabulary, I am allowing this wonderful process to actually happen without judging, controlling or defining it until it defines itself.